


silence is a five letter word

by words_unravel



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: F/M, Loneliness, M/M, Multi, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-03
Updated: 2011-04-04
Packaged: 2018-01-16 18:24:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1357423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/words_unravel/pseuds/words_unravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The quiet is too loud.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Beta: [](http://spleenjournal.livejournal.com/profile)[**spleenjournal**](http://spleenjournal.livejournal.com/) and [](http://warmingweather.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://warmingweather.livejournal.com/)**warmingweather** ]

* * *

There are few moments when Brendon is truly silent or still. Even in the interviews where he doesn't answer many questions, there's always something - a knee bouncing, a foot tapping, fingers twirling in hair. But it’s in those times where nothing happens, that really worry Spencer. Because it means Brendon's thinking. Which a lot of people assume that he doesn't or that he's not really all that smart because of all that excessive energy. But Spencer knows this is bullshit. He can't argue that sometimes Brendon doesn't _think_ before he acts, yes, but it doesn't mean he's not capable of it.

It's just that those quiet moments, the stillness, are the times when Brendon's thinking about the wrong things - the what-ifs and the should-haves. And that's what worries Spencer, not that he doesn't have the same thoughts, but then, he's not half-estranged and lapsed and all the things that plague Brendon when he actually slows down. Spencer grew up with Ryan Ross, so he's no stranger to what heartache can entail. He's just never had to deal with it himself.

 

 

 

Spencer's sitting in the back lounge and it's too quiet.

Jon's off with Cassie; Spencer saw them stroll by outside the bus window not ten minutes ago. He hasn't seen Ryan since they'd stopped at the venue. Of course, Pete had been texting him nonstop for the thirty minutes prior to that, so Spencer was going to go out on a (very short) limb and say that there'd be hide nor hair of his best friend until show time.

And it's too damn quiet. He catches the movement from the corner of his eye before he feels the light touch, looks down to watch a slender hand settle over his thigh before glancing up to catch the questioning concern in Haley's eyes. He gives her a small smile and slides his hand under hers, lacing their fingers together (the summer has turned her skin golden again and he likes the contrast against his own pale fingers), but she frowns instead of returning the smile. It's uncanny how quickly she's learned to read him in the time they've been together. She knows when something is bothering him, and almost as if reading his thoughts, she states softly, "It's awfully quiet. Where's Brendon?"

Spencer tilts his head toward the front of the bus, "Up front, " knows because he can see a sliver of Brendon down the long line of the hallway intersecting the back lounge and the kitchen. He's certain Haley can see the same, so the real question is _What's wrong and why aren't you helping him?_ Haley's got a soft spot for Brendon, has since the first time Spencer introduced them. She gets this look on her face sometimes, one that conveys exactly how Spencer feels when the quiet is too loud.

After a few seconds when Spencer hasn't replied to her unspoken question, she lets out a small frustrated sigh and slides to her feet, stares down at Spencer. Finally she smiles (smirks) at him, and turns to make her way to the front. To Brendon.

Spencer doesn't really know what that was about, the glint of...something, that he'd seen before she turned away. As much as she seems to be able to read him, he's still running in last place with his ability to do the same to her. He waits, hears Haley greet Brendon, the sound if not the actual words, before sinking further into the couch, shifting a leg up and his head back against the arm. Listening to the low hum of their conversation, he hates the unease and sadness that laces Brendon's voice. Silence a few minutes later, then the shuffle of feet down the hallway. Spencer lets a breath go.

They come to a halt before the couch and Spencer can feel Brendon's hesitancy even before he looks up. Haley's got her fingers laced through again, this time with Brendon's (he notes the contrast again, Brendon's even paler than him now). For once he knows what she's going to say even before the _Bren's going to lay down with us_ comes. No question, just a simple statement of what's going to happen. Before Brendon can protest, and Spencer knows he wants to, Haley settles between Spencer's legs and tugs Brendon down to follow. She leans back, Spencer sticks his nose in the soft hair behind her ear before he can stop himself and she melts a measure closer. Haley's got Brendon sprawled on top of her, awkward until she shifts him half onto his side, his cheek cradled against the flat of her belly. Fingers are still laced together, hands resting over heart. Spencer can see her thumb tracing over Brendon's skin, just under the collarbone, slow and soothing. The moment Brendon relaxes, Haley sighs quietly and moves even further into Spencer.

It's still too quiet for Spencer, but maybe it's something they can work on.

*

They don't talk about it until Haley whispers _take care of him_ as she hugs him goodbye and turns to get on her plane. Spencer watches her go through security, doesn't move even when she turns one last time and smiles. He watches until she disappears around the corner.

 

 

 

Brendon's back to himself, too much sugar, too loud. But this time Spencer can tell it's forced even if Ryan is still too preoccupied with Pete to notice, spending most of the last few days between his sidekick and putting words to paper. But then Spencer's used to that by now.

Jon, being Jon, can tell something's not quite right. But then he's the one that found them that day, the one who woke Spencer up quietly, let him untangle the fingers that had somehow found their way into Brendon's - curved across Brendon's stomach, like he and Haley had been cradling Brendon, trapping him to them both. So yeah, Jon knows something is wrong, but Cassie's still there and will be for a while, so he can't help.

Spencer's beginning to think no one can.

It's three days after Haley's gone home when Spencer knows she was right, that her simple command was actually a plea. Ryan's got a death grip on his pen and even Jon's looking a little frustrated. Because Brendon's about to hit break point and he's going to take everything with him. Finally, he challenges Brendon to a game of Guitar Hero, doesn't wait for an answer before dragging him back to the lounge. Halfway through the hallway with their bunks, Spencer slides his fingers down from Brendon's wrist to wrap around his hand. Brendon's steps falter but he keeps following. Like Spencer would give him any other choice.

Once they reach the back lounge, Spencer closes the door. He ignores the game console and tugs them both down on the couch. It's the same as last time, only Haley's not here to maintain the buffer between them. Brendon's been stumbling over words, protesting but as bodies meet he's suddenly struggling, trying to stand back up. Spencer splays his left hand against Brendon's stomach, presses firmly, and says quietly, "Brendon."

He stills instantly, tense under Spencer's hand.

The scent is different this time, when Spencer breathes in, the hair shorter, thick and coarse but still soft. "Brendon, " it's whispered softer this time, across the shell of Brendon's ear. Spencer can feel the response, the tremble of muscle under his hand.

"Spencer, I don't think-"

He pushes down, harder this time and Brendon's voice falters. "You need to stop this, Brendon, " the words quiet, still soft against sensitive skin. "You need to talk to us, tell us when something's wrong. We shouldn't have to guess, you shouldn't have to hide it."

"Spencer..."

He can tell Brendon's about to lie, make false cheer, the same as the last few days. He presses down again, _"Don't_ lie to me. " His hand slides down a fraction, pinkie dragging across the top of Brendon's jeans. This time there's a soft exclamation, barely a sound, in reaction, a minute head tilt so that Spencer's mouth actually brushes skin.

Brendon's lips are parted, but no words fall from them.

Spencer really has no idea what he's doing; it's a contradiction, wanting Brendon to be quiet, to quit with the noise that covers up the silence. But it's the silence that scares Spencer; he doesn't really know how to help. Whatever he _is_ trying to do though, probably shouldn't include wanting to lick Brendon's skin, to see how much further Brendon's willing to let him go. So Spencer's really beginning to get confused.

Neither speak again, but Spencer feels Brendon finally go lax and a few minutes later, a hand is placed over his, trembling but firm. They stay like that until Jon knocks on the door and announces that they need to start getting ready for the show.

*

Later that night, laying in his bunk, Spencer stares at the screen on his sidekick, thumb hovering over the send button.

     _I want to kiss Brendon_

not really sure if this is exactly what Haley had in mind when she started this. He's fairly sure Brendon's receptive but doesn't know if this will help solve the problem or just exacerbate it. He hits the button. Thirty-five seconds later (he counts), the phone beeps.

     _> >i know. so do i_

Spencer lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

     _he's getting worse and i'm not sure what i should to do stop it, if i_ can _stop it_

     _> > we have to try, spence, you know we do. i can't get away until you come home, so i trust you to do whatever you think you need to_

_even if..._

__This time the wait is only twenty-three seconds.

     _> > just make sure he knows one of those kisses is mine :)_

And before Spencer can reply back, he gets one final message.

     _> > i love you, spencer smith_

He runs his fingers over the words, soft.

     _i love you, too_

 

 

 

He turns off the phone and climbs out of his bunk.

*

Brendon's slow to wake when Spencer slips in beside him. The bunks are small, but Brendon's tiny to begin with so it's not wholly uncomfortable even if there's not a lot of room to maneuver. But by the time Spencer's situated himself fully alongside Brendon, he's fully awake. He can feel startled breath across his chin, a soft, "Spencer?"

In the dark, Spencer finds Brendon's wrist, rests his fingers there lightly. He traces up the length of Brendon's arm, moves over his shoulder (bare, soft) and brushes lightly across a nervous adam's apple, resting again only along the angle of a tense jaw. There, Spencer ghosts his thumb over that lush bottom lip, feels Brendon's breath stutter again so similar to earlier in the day.

 _"Spencer."_ This time it's a little desperate, more than a little scared.

"Shhh, " he whispers, "it's okay." Spencer slides his fingers back, until they're buried in the hair at the nape of Brendon's neck. _This is from Haley_ is said with Brendon's breath, against Brendon's mouth before Spencer closes that final distance. A small noise escapes from the back of Brendon's throat and Spencer takes it, learns the shape of his mouth before curling his tongue against Brendon's upper lip. This earns Spencer a gasp and parted lips, a body melted against him. Spencer holds off, traces the open space before pulling back. He can feel Brendon follow him, can't stop the surge of satisfaction.

He waits and catches his breath. Brendon's eyes are intent, he can feel them, despite the darkness. "Spencer?"

"That was from Haley, " he repeats and before Brendon can ask, Spencer continues, "and this is from me."

This time Spencer takes what's offered, slides his tongue between parted lips, learns the inside of Brendon's mouth as thoroughly as he learned the outside. When he pulls back, finally, they're both breathless. Brendon whispers his name, barely a sound, and he responds.

"I'm right here." 


	2. Reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He shouldn't be here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [prompt: written for 2011 schmoop_bingo amnesty round; pregnancy – first ultrasound]  
> [A/N: written at the prompt request of slashxmistress. Coda of sorts to Silence is a Five Letter Word. Finally, please forgive any errors. (And it's not mpreg, in case you were curious.)]

* * *

Brendon's freaking out.

He's freaking out because all of a sudden, it's real. Haley's stomach is round, the skin stretched tight. He watches the way the skin twitches when the nurse squirts a dollop of clear gel on it. A minute later, she's pointing to something on the screen and Brendon finds himself staring at hands. Tiny, tiny hands with perfectly formed fingers. The nurse's voice is just a buzz in Brendon's head, white noise. He watches as the silhouette on the screen moves, those tiny fingers clenching into a fist then letting go.

It looks like she's reaching out.

Brendon can't breathe. His chest is tight; the sound of his own heartbeat loud in his ears. Haley's voice breaks through the haze as he stumbles back. Concern is evident in her tone, and Brendon tears his gaze way from the display to look at her. He's not sure what she sees on his face, but she says his name again and raises her hand out toward him.

"I can't--I'm not." He shakes his head, taking another step back. Haley's voice is sharper this time, a warning. A bit desperate. Brendon can feel the tears rolling up in his throat. "I--"

I shouldn't be here.

He can't say it though. "I'm sorry," he whispers instead, then turns and flees the room. His name echoes down the hallway after him, but he doesn't stop.

~*~

Someone slides onto the bench next to him. Brendon bites his lip, keeping his head down.

"Everything okay?"

Spencer doesn't touch him, but he's close enough that Brendon would only need to lean in a little to fit into the line of his body. He doesn't move.

"Brendon?"

"I'm a dick. I shouldn't have left her there." He's trying not to think about the last look on her face, the fear hiding in the corner of her eyes. "Shouldn't have left her by herself," he repeats, still not looking up. "Sorry."

"She was more worried about you," Spencer says. Brendon just shakes his head. Sighing, Spencer stretches an arm across the back of the bench. Brendon tries not to tense, but he can feel Spencer's gaze sharpen and knows he's failed. Spencer's patient and Brendon bites the inside of his cheek, keeping the words to himself. It's not going to work, he knows. Spencer will wait him out. He always does.

Brendon swallows hard, rubbing a hand over his face. "I just--" His right leg starts to twitch and he puts his hand on his knee, digging in until the knuckles are white. "I don't understand."

"Understand what?" Brendon chances a look at Spencer's face. Confusion is evident in the quirk of his eyebrows and Brendon's momentarily distracted by a memory, hours spent tracing every line of Spencer's body, everything but his cock. He and Haley making him come like that. Brendon looks away. It's hard to breath again.

"Understand what, Brendon?" Spencer asks again.

"What I'm even doing here," Brendon finally whispers. Tension sings through Spencer.

"Well, you're here because I had a meeting that I couldn't get out of today and Haley likes having one of us with her." Spencer's being deliberately obtuse and Brendon tilts his head a little, staring at the bench in the space between them.

"That's not what I meant--"

Spencer cuts in, frustration evident in his tone. "Well then, what the hell do you mean?" Brendon finally looks up, but Spencer's gaze is across the grounds, not looking at him. The line of his body is stiff, wound tight enough that Brendon can feel it coming off him.

"Why?" Spencer's chin jerks at the word, a tiny movement. Brendon continues. "Why did you even pick me in the first place?"

Waiting for an answer, Brendon stares at Spencer's profile. A muscle twitches in his jaw, and a second later he turns, looking hard at Brendon.

"Why is this coming up now?" His frown deepens. "You've never seemed to have a problem before now, when we decided that this what we were going to do." Brendon doesn't say anything, just presses his lips together. After a frustrated glare, Spencer looks away again. He hasn't answered Brendon's question.

"Why can't you just tell me?" Brendon asks quietly. He jerks as Spencer stands abruptly, turning to stand in front of him.

"Why are you pushing this?" A quick hand through his hair has Spencer's coiffure in chaos. "It's not important, Brendon."

"Of course, it's important!" Brendon's voice is louder than he expected, but this whole thing is messing with his head. "People don't do this," he implores. "They don't have relationships with two people at one time. They don't have babies with them."

Something flashes across Spencer's face, but before Brendon can process it, it's gone. "So, what? You don't want to be here? This is a fuckin' fine time to be telling us--" He takes a step back and Brendon reaches out.

"No! No, of course I want--"

"And what if she's yours?" Spencer says, the words terse as he stares down at Brendon. "You going to just give her up then? Leave her? Leave us?"

"Stop it!" They swing around at the angry sound of Haley's voice. "You're both being fucking stupid, knock it off." They both look down at their shoes and if he wasn't breaking apart, Brendon might laugh.

"Brendon--"

Her voice catches and Brendon wants to make it better, wants to fall to his knees and wrap his arms around her and rest his face against her belly, wants to feel the baby's heartbeat through her skin.

"Brendon," she says again, clearer this time. "If you don't want this, if you don't want to be here, we're not going to make you stay." Spencer moves and Haley looks hard at him, before turning back to Brendon. "We're not, but you know we love you--" Brendon looks away at that and she breaks off. Brendon tries to hold still.

"Bren?" All of a sudden Haley's right in front of him, fingers on his chin, turning his face toward her. "Oh, Brendon," she whispers. She brushes her fingertips across his bottom lip and involuntarily, he leans forward. He jerks back a second later, but Haley curls a hand around his neck, keeping him close. "We do, you know. We love you."

Her belly bumps against him and without thinking, Brendon reaches out to steady her. His hands slide into their spot and he can still feel the curve of her belly against the inside of his wrists. The baby kicks and Brendon's breath catches.

"I'm sorry," he whispers for the thousandth time, but Haley hushes him before he can finish. Slender fingers slide through the hair at the nape of his neck and he moves in closer, tucking his face into the curve of her neck.

Brendon breathes in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [posted in main journal here on 04/04/11]  
> [x-posted here on 03/31/11 and here on 04/04/11]

**Author's Note:**

> [originally posted [here](http://prettykitty-aya.livejournal.com/121958.html) on 10/03/07]  
> [x-posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/bandslashmania/145580.html) on 10/04/07]


End file.
